How I’m coping

There is Stuff going on, which I’ll hopefully be able to talk about a bit later this week when I get all my mental ducks in a row.

But today I had time with friends, after a few weeks of not being well enough to drive or do anything besides concentrating on breathing.

I read their toddler books while she sat on my lap and then I tickled her toes. I talked with my friends. I enjoyed Jeremy Renner’s arms in Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters. I played around with a new eye shadow I’d bought, relearning a technique I’d forgotten how to do properly. I got complimented on it, although it was really all due to my excellent teacher.

I did human things. Like a human being.

Then I got in my car, turned the music on as high as I could stand it, the sound reverberating in my chest, and screamed until my throat felt raw, the feeling of how much I hurt moving the small bones in my ears.

I felt nothing.