How I’m coping

There is Stuff going on, which I’ll hopefully be able to talk about a bit later this week when I get all my mental ducks in a row.

But today I had time with friends, after a few weeks of not being well enough to drive or do anything besides concentrating on breathing.

I read their toddler books while she sat on my lap and then I tickled her toes. I talked with my friends. I enjoyed Jeremy Renner’s arms in Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters. I played around with a new eye shadow I’d bought, relearning a technique I’d forgotten how to do properly. I got complimented on it, although it was really all due to my excellent teacher.

I did human things. Like a human being.

Then I got in my car, turned the music on as high as I could stand it, the sound reverberating in my chest, and screamed until my throat felt raw, the feeling of how much I hurt moving the small bones in my ears.

I felt nothing.


9 thoughts on “How I’m coping

  1. Oh Kammah. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh. Urgh. I am worried about you. Is it really not getting any better? Do you have a good doctor that you trust? Do you need a new doctor? Is there ANYTHING I can do? I am really worried about you. And I am so sorry you are going through this. I know it’s probably too much right now but if you ever want to email me, I am here to listen.

    • I do have a good doctor. This is general depression suckitude and also Stuff related that hit me, hard, today on the way home. I have a therapy appointment tomorrow and I really, really, really like her.

      For what it’s worth, I appreciate that you are worried. I’m, frankly, pretty worried too. But I’m working on fixing…everything.

      I’ll reach out and email if I feel up to it. Thank you.

  2. Kammah Sweetie, I’m so sorry for all of this. I want you to know that I think you’re the tops and I’m here for anything you might need. Really. Call on me.

  3. Kammah, I’m thinking about you a lot. I’m glad you have a therapy appointment today with someone that you like. Will you promise me to call her, or someone, when this gets hard(er). Email me anytime.

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