Today

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I woke up feeling a little bit better. 

I woke up and had the plan of writing here about how everything went down yesterday, how I just broke.

I woke up and I was going to tell you about what my plans are for getting me to start feeling better overall and the steps that I’m going to start taking.

But then I just couldn’t.

Someone said something so nice to me and I just broke all over again.

I want to hole up. I want to cry and cry and cry some more until I wither up. I want to go back to bed and sleep for a decade. I want to eat or not eat and in some way of doing either just fucking feel better. 

I don’t want to go to group therapy in a few hours. I am a shrinking violet in social situations and I don’t like opening up to people that I don’t know very intimately and the thought of telling strangers all about me makes me physically uncomfortable.

I have no idea how they expect me to do this.

I have no idea how they expect me to sit there and talk or not talk and be there and hold it together when all I feel like is laying face down on the floor and crying.

I have no idea how I’m going to do this.

I don’t feel well today.

7 thoughts on “Today”

  1. Aw, honey. That DOES sound hard. Maybe you can just be there and not talk? Even if you cry all the way through, just *be* there, and know it is a step towards wellness? Big hugs to you. xo

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    • Whether I like it or not, that’s probably how the session is gonna go down.

      Thank you for the love, it is (seemingly) impossibly hard right now.

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  2. Oh sweetie, I know this is hard. I know you’re hurting. I think making it through this stuff one thing at a time, one minute, hour, day at a time is all you can do. All my love friend.

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  3. When William was starting middle school, I asked him if he was nervous. (I was very nervous on his behalf.) I asked if he was nervous about getting off the bus the first day and not knowing where to go or how things worked. And he said, “No, because I know all the other 6th graders don’t know either, and that the teachers know we don’t know.”

    And that’s what I think is true for this group, too: the other people who join didn’t know, either, when they joined, so they know you don’t know and they probably expect just about anything from “Can I just listen this time?” to “*weeping and screaming*”.

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