There’s what’s up.

It wasn’t until my friend Jeremy asked me, kindly, at 5:30 AM on Monday while we were making the long drive back to town after visiting his lovely wife the day before if “anything didn’t give [me] The Feels these days” that I realized that something was wrong.

I’m going through a moderate bout of depression. I have been for a while. It’s…strange to realize that.

I am not new to depression. I’ve had three severe periods, each lasting at least six months. All of them were brought on immediately by major events. One (that I’m willing to talk about) occurred after I quit my job, started college, my boyfriend dumped me, and a friend committed suicide in the same week. I felt comatose for six months and eyed the kitchen knives because I thought: life will always be like this. It will never, ever stop being like this. This is my life now, and it sucks, so what’s the point of living? 

Things got better. Eventually. But I lost some friends in the process. (Albeit they were shitty friends, but they were the only ones I had. So. That sucked.)

Fast forward to this year. This year, man. It’s been the most brutal of my life. And as someone who has suffered/is suffering from PTSD, I do not say that lightly. PTSD at least had the mercy to make me numb.

This year? I have felt everything. I have felt un-chosen, like everyone in my life had looked at me and said “I choose ______ over you, Kammah.” I have felt unloved and lonely and cut off and passed over.

I have felt the loss of the life that should have been and almost was. It was there and then it was just…not. And all the possibilities that came with it, the dreams and the hopes and the future laid out before me, beckoning and lovely and simple and fine and pure, were just…gone. Up and vanished. And there I am, clutching, trying to bring back what is no longer there.

But. You know. Life moves on. I am continuing to pick up the pieces, slowly, because it’s gone and it’s not coming back and if I’m not at least trying to look forward, my whole body aches and it feels like my heart is trying to claw its way out of my chest. Still. Ten months later. I wonder if that feeling will ever pass. I hope against hope that it will.

I prided myself in not slipping into the abyss after everything happened in February.  As if depression is something that you can just control with the power of your will not to be in it. I mean, sure, I had Bad Days but I wasn’t depressed.

Until. You know. It turns out that I’m not over things. It turns out that I’m being mind-fucked about some things that I’m not willing, or able, to talk about here. It turns out that I’m heartbroken. I thought I had healed enough to function and act like a reasonable human person and carry on living. But a couple solid months of nightmares, insomnia, anxiety about The Blathering (which I went to! And it was awesome! And I really shouldn’t have worried as much about it as I did!), some personal life stuff that I got excited about when I shouldn’t have (hope, man. It’ll screw you over every time.), a minor cold that I got which left me with a cough that I couldn’t seem to shake, and work running me into the ground. And it turns out that all of those things were enough to just kinda…sidle up to me and bump me into a depression. A moderate one, but still.

I have no reason to think that things will become severe. And I’ve asked my mom and a couple of close friends to keep an eye on me, just in case. But I’m in the suck right now, I don’t feel very well, and I just thought I should let you know, Friend.

Thanks for listening.

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16 thoughts on “There’s what’s up.

  1. Ugggh. I hate that I know this feeling. Depression is horrible. I am so, so sorry and you don’t know how much some random person in Iowa is hoping you feel better soon.

    • It’s not some random person in Iowa that is hoping that I feel better. It’s my FRIEND (who happens to live in Iowa of all places instead of being conveniently down the street so we could get ice cream cake together.)

      And it means a lot. Thank you.

  2. Urgh, I always feel like such a crappy commenter and I can never say what I want or mean. BUT I am so sorry you’re going through this. I’m sorry times seem so tough and bleak. And also I think you are a majestic writer, I really do, and this is not something I think a lot these days on the internet so I wanted to let you know.

    • Thank you for this. Just…thank you. For all of it. Sorry that I’m not more articulate in this reply but I’m a bit weepy at the moment. I hope you’ll forgive me for that inadequacy by knowing that your words mean so much and I will carry them with me.

  3. Oh Kammah. You have no idea how much I want to come and just bundle you in my arms to give you a giant hug. Depression (in whatever forms) is a massive sonofabeetch, and no one deserves it. If you ever need someone to remind you how amazing you are, come find me. If you ever need someone to cry to, come find me. Because you’re amazing my dear, and depression needs to back the eff off.

  4. You and I, friend. Geez. We are two peas in a pod. And I am deeply sorry about this, because as much as I love being in a pod with you, I wouldn’t wish THIS PARTICULAR pod on anyone, let alone someone I love as much as I love you. We will get through this. Statistics says so (or something… I was never very good at statistics. I was good at getting an A in statistics, but I never actually understood much of the DOING of statistics. Wait, I had a point here. Hang on…).

    ANYway, my new mantra is, “This may suck, but you are NOT alone.” Because we need to call pain exactly what it is. No pretending it isn’t pain. No glossing it over for those who have trouble looking at our pain day in and day out. We call it by name and we allow ourselves to feel it. All of it. Because we will eventually anyway, whenever it finally catches up with us. And there is no easy remedy for pain. The only thing we MUST do is know that we. are. not. alone. And we must hold on to each other until the pain decides it is done with us.

    And then? DANCE PARTY, MOTHERFUCKER!

  5. This year has been an emotional suckfest for way too many people I know and care for. I am so sorry it has taken its tole on you too. If you ever need anything, someone to talk to, someone to just sit around with, someone to yell at, whatever, I am just down the road for you and my door is open. That and I have pie (or I can have pie on very short notice).

  6. I just want to you know that you’ve been one of the great things about this year for me and I’m glad to call you Friend. Whatever I can do for you, whatever support I can give, I’m here for you.

  7. Can I just tell you that getting to know you has been one of the best parts of my year? I am so lucky to have gotten pregnant and as a result have “met” so many new people in really just the last few months..and you are one of them! How lucky am I?

    I think you are fantastic, Kammah, and if there is anything I can ever do to help you through The Sads, I will be there.

  8. I think you’re absolutely spectacular, and I truly believe that Life has wonderful things in store for you. I’m sorry it’s taking its sweet-ass time to bring them about, and putting you through hell in the meantime. Depression and I are close, personal “pals,” so I feel you on that. I had a string of years not too far back that just really sucked, and I thought that everything was going to suck forever. It doesn’t, and it won’t for you, either. In the meantime, please know that I’m thinking of you. xoxo

  9. Kammah- you’re sad and I hate it. I wish I could bring you brownies and force you to watch Friday Night Lights with me. It’s shitty and I have nothing better to say than I hope it passes soon, but I’m thinking of you.

    xo

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