Misadventures

Because I am a stupid person who didn’t take care of my eyes (DON’T SLEEP IN YOUR CONTACTS. NO, SERIOUSLY. JUST DON’T. I MEAN IT.) I had to go to the optometrist yesterday. I know that I didn’t tell ya’ll this, but this is the THIRD TIME in THREE WEEKS that I’ve had to go and have my EYES all FIDDLED WITH.

(THEY HAD TO PUFF MY EYES WITH AIR AND I AM NOT EVEN GOING TO TELL YOU WHAT THEY HAD TO DO WITH MY EYELID BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH I WAS THERE AND IT REALLY ISN’T ALL THAT BIG A DEAL, REALLY, IT MAKES ME A LITTLE BIT NAUSEOUS JUST THINKING ABOUT IT, OK?)
While I was there and the (lovely, kind, patient, friendly) doctor was using MEDIEVAL TORTURE DEVISES on my EYES, I also got them dilated.
To those of you lucky enough to not have terrible, horrible, no good, very bad eyesight, this is where the optometrist puts some sort of drop in your eyes to make them very, VERY wide. And then in about 20 minutes the entire world goes blurry and you can’t see shit for 3 to 4 hours.
Thankfully, I had my mom come with me because my mom is awesome and long-suffering (Hi, Mom, if you ever find this blog! I love you!) and she could drive me home because dude. DUDE. We tried to do some shopping while we were waiting for my eyes to dilate fully (my optometrist is in Walmart! It is both very convenient and a terrible situation because I CAN BUY ALL THE THINGS THERE.) and I kept picking up things to try and read the labels and I kept having to stretch my arm further and fuuuuurther and fuuuuuuuuuuurther to try and get them into focus and you know what is hard? Trying to be farsighted when you are significantly nearsighted! Eventually I just yawped “MY ARMS ARE NOT LONG ENOUGH FOR MY EYES.” and then I kind of slumped over. In defeat. Because a $7 bottle of sunscreen THAT I JUST WANTED TO KNOW HOW OFTEN I NEEDED TO APPLY IT had BESTED me with its twee print.
It is a Bad Day when a bottle of sunblock makes you feel like a failure.
There was another Bad Moment when they gave me the temporary sunglasses that you get when you have your eyes dilated and they were NOT these snazzy ones that you roll on your face and make you feel like this BAMF, but were some bullshit, flimsy ass crap with ear pieces (EAR PIECES!) that 1) were not intended for Ladies With Large Amounts of Hair, 2) didn’t make me feel space-agey AT ALL. 
(THOSE WRAP-ON SUNGLASSES WERE THE BEST PART OF THE EYE DOCTOR AND THEY DID AWAY WITH THEM. AND THEN! THEY HAD THE GALL TO TELL ME TO MY FACE THAT THE NEW ONES WERE “UPGRADES”.
“Upgrades”, my ass. I want to pretend that I work on the USS Enterprise.)
Anyway, my eyes are fine now and I’ve been cleared to wear contacts again. YAAAAAAAAAY, STEROID DROPS!!
P.S. Maybe it’s just that I’ve been wearing glasses exclusively for the last month and they were block-ish and figure distracting or something, but has my face…always been this round? And puffy?
P.P.S. Probably.
P.P.P.S. I will, however, keep you updated on this important situation as it develops.
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4 thoughts on “Misadventures

  1. The cheapo wraparound sunglasses are a must after eye dilation! I had my eyes dilated a couple months ago and made the mistake of bringing my own sunglasses. They let in way too much light through the sides.

  2. "MY ARMS ARE NOT LONG ENOUGH FOR MY EYES." Bwahahahaha!Once, I didn't take my contacts out for such a long time that my eye got super inflamed and I had to go to work with an eye path LIKE A PIRATE. Only not as cool as a pirate, because it wasn't black and it didn't come with a parrot for my shoulder. Really, I just looked stupid.

  3. Wanna talk about horrifying eye injuries? One time I stabbed myself in the eye with the corner of an envelope. I had to wear an eye patch for several days. It was horrifying and now my eyes are watering just thinking about it. I always opt OUT of the dilation when given the choice. One of these days, I'll have to do it again, but I am an adult now and when I get to say no to that shit, I will ALWAYS say no. I'm glad your eyes are better!

  4. I don't like to think about the eye doctor. I have had a paper cut in my eye, been stabbed with a coffee straw in the eye, and had a cancer scare in my eye which resulted in them doing a sonogram of my eye. Did you know they have to use that jelly stuff to make a sonogram work? IN MY EYE!!Also my eyes don't dilate enough according to my retinal specialist. The last time I saw him (for the whole not-actually-cancer thing with the sonogram) he tried 4 times to get my eyes to dilate more and it just kept failing. My eyes are defective, but cancer free.

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