Hooooooo boy! Today I am a Hormone Sack because of Approaching Mysterious Lady Things so I ate a truly unholy number of burritos (to quote Tumblr: “Humans have two hands. One hand for holding butts and the other for burritos.”)(God, I love Tumblr.) and I’ve grabbed a wine glass full of cranberry juice because it makes me feel like a Fancy Lady. And those things are making me feel better but, Internet, I need you to listen for a minute because I need to bitch about something that got me irritated today. And granted, I’m irritated a lot of the time because of various reasons like oil subsidies, the fact that we still think it’s ok to put human rights to a public vote, and that Fox cancelled Firefly after 14 episodes, the big jerky jerkfaces. But I don’t want to talk about those things today. Today I want to talk about stupid jingles and their stupid slogans.
So we have a small time grocery chain in Texas called “David’s Supermarket” and I hear their commercials on the radio all the time, ALL THE TIME, despite not having a store within a 50 mile radius of where I live, and yes I just checked. And that’s fine. Radio has a long range. I understand that. But the song gets stuck in my head and the closing line is “DA-vids SU-PER-market! Where the SMILES are FRE-eeee”. And everyone is supposed to think that it’s all cute and charming and home-towny but it is in all actuality AWFUL and UNACCEPTABLE and I AM GOING TO TELL YOU WHY.
YOU GUYS. SMILES ARE ALWAYS MOTHERFUCKING FREE.
And this just IRRITATES me because they put it in their JINGLE and DO THE TERRIBLE JINGLE WRITERS NOT SEE THAT THEY ARE ALWAYS FREE? EVERYWHERE? IT IS A FREE SERVICE THAT PEOPLE IN CUSTOMER SERVICE DO TO ENCOURAGE REPEAT BUSINESS AND IT IS ALSO A NONVERBAL FORM OF COMMUNICATION THAT HUMANS (usually) USE TO CONVEY PLEASURE.
SMILES ARE FREE, JINGLE WRITERS. OTHERWISE THAT MAKES YOU SOME KIND OF BIZARRE SMILE PROSTITUTE.
(Which, come to think of it, that job actually wouldn’t be all that bad, probably. I’d be a Liz Lemon.)(EVERY GIRL WANTS TO BE A LEMON.)