Update, Musings, Confessions, and a DESPERATE PLEA FOR ADVICE

The update: My coworker sent me a picture and DEAR GOD he actually does look like Chris Hemsworth, except brunette. I would post the picture but 1) that would be weird, 2) that would be wrong without express permission, 3) THE PICTURE IS MINE, ALL MINE, AND YOU CAN’T HAVE IT BECAUSE THEN YOU WOULD WANT HIM AND HIS PERFECT, SULTRY EYES TOO.

***

It would be really rad to live like in “Killer Queen” and it is kind of a new item on my life list and, no, I don’t know exactly how I will become “dynamite with a laser beam” but I think that it might involve a foray into physics and I AM OK WITH THIS.

Also, now I want cake.

***

I was going to go to Half Price Books on Sunday (they were having a sale for Memorial Day) and so I got on my Goodreads profile to see what I had marked in my “to-read” list because if I DON’T have a list I go in there and have no stinking idea of the author’s names and then I can’t find anything that I’m looking for.

Anyway, I got on Goodreads and then I got on my Nook’s shop because I do enjoy a lot of classical literature and Barnes and Noble really does a bang up job in their selection of classics that are either free or only a couple dollars. I will always enjoy a physical copy of a book (the battery life goes on forever! save print! books smell nice!) but “free” or “only a couple of dollars” will ALWAYS trump “half price plus an extra 20% off”.

You guys. I bought 173 books. ONE HUNDRED AND SEVENTY THREE. Albeit most of those were in bundles of 25 or 50 for a dollar (ONE. ONE DOLLAR. Which is PENNIES per book and I know that I was never all that amazing at economics but HOW IS THIS EVEN POSSIBLE?!?) but still.


ONE HUNDRED AND SEVENTY THREE.


It’s like a went into some kind of FUGUE state.

(I did pay full price for The Song of Ice and Fire series because I had to have it. And then my bank called and was all “fraud? Because everything else is under five dollars?”

And I was all “I JUST REALLY LOVE DAENERYS, OK?”

***

My last scheduled vacation is coming up at the end of next week. The observant among you might have realized that I JUST GOT BACK from vacation. Yeah. I forgot that “May” is right there next to “June” when I scheduled it. The coffee must have been defective that day.

So, in order to not lose the time that I worked my ass off for, I’m out for another five days. I’m going on a road trip to Fredericksburg. And here’s the thing, Internet: I have never really traveled alone. I have either flown alone (twice. And those times have only been in the last 6 months.) and been meeting amazing people in order to hang out with them, or I have done small road trips with past boyfriends.

I have never had a vacation that was just me. I have also never driven more than 20 miles away from home.

There’s where you come in my lovely, beautiful friends. I need you to tell me what I should do for an awesome roadtrip. I know that I’ll need to buy a new GPS unit because my old one no longer talks (the bitch) and I NEED the talky part. I would use my phone but service in the past has been…shoddy. No offense, but I don’t want to put my life and sanity in Sprint’s hands.

I think I’ll probably hit the local wildflower farm and drive up to Enchanted Rock for a hike (look at me seeming all outdoorsy!). But everything else? I have no idea. It’s basically small towns down there in Hill Country (which I like because if I wanted to eat at a Chili’s and go to Target I would freaking do that here) but San Antonio is an hour or so away, at least according to Google. What makes a road trip fun for you? Do you stop at every World’s Biggest along the way? Do you stay in the small towns and absorb the adorable? Do you go for the big cities every chance you get? What do you do if you get bored of yourself?

Really, I’m looking for any and all advice you have on this, Internet. Everything from snacks I should bring to awesome music to sing to in the car (I’ve taken to pretending that I’m this lady whenever I’m singing in the car and I can’t look back and see my accompaniments because I am concentrating on the road and what do you want me to DIE?!).

PLEASE, GIVE ME ANY ADVICE THAT YOU HAVE.

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I obviously have a lot of FEELINGS about this.

I was discussing…something with one of my new coworkers today and no, I’m not being coy about what I was talking about, I honestly cannot remember and this is probably only partly because I only listen to about 1/3 of the crap that comes out of my mouth and the other part is the thought that I should maybe start taking ginkgo biloba or something.

So we are discussing…something. Aliens, maybe? The impending doom because we live in the year 2012? (Which, to both, I say a hearty HA! But that is another story.) And…somehow we got onto the topic of Nerdfighteria and how I am a proud Nerdfighter. And being a Nerdfighter basically means that I am made of awesome and also cheese. And look, Kelly is a member of the community (and John Green PROPOSED to her for Phil, who is now her amazing husband!!) and I introduced Erin to the vlogbrothers videos (and if you only watch one of those 23 videos I earnestly enjoin you to let it be this one because after months of watching hundreds of videos IT IS STILL MY FAVORITE.) but I don’t know anyone else in real life, and certainly nobody that lives close to me, who is a member. So when my coworker said “Oh. My roommate is one of those.” MY JAW HIT THE FLOOR. And then the excited arm-flailing started.

And I’m just firing questions at this poor guy about his roommate about how is he made of awesome? and how does he decrease worldsuck? and is he a Whovian too?! (Answer sheet: will get back to me, doesn’t know, has seen episodes and seemed to enjoy them. BOYS ARE NO GOOD AT RECON WORK, YOU GUYS.) And then my coworker is all, “Oh, and he is also really handsome.”

Oh, really?

“Yeah. A lot of girls say that he looks like that guy Thor.”*

OPEN WITH THAT. YOU ALWAYS OPEN WITH THAT.

I would be remiss if I forgot to tell you that I STARTED HYPERVENTILATING AT THIS POINT, AND NO, I AM NOT JOKING.

“But he has a girlfriend. And it’s a real shame too because I think you two would hit it off really well.”

And then I nearly cried. Because a Nerdfighter! Who looks like Thor! And who probably would think I’m pretty funny!

And that is IT, you guys. I AM BUILDING A ROCKET BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO LIVE ON THIS PLANET ANYMORE.

*I would climb Chris Hemsworth like a sex tree after bathing in the honey that drips off his Australian tongue. And those are only the things that are FIT TO PRINT.

Peevish

Hooooooo boy! Today I am a Hormone Sack because of Approaching Mysterious Lady Things so I ate a truly unholy number of burritos (to quote Tumblr: “Humans have two hands. One hand for holding butts and the other for burritos.”)(God, I love Tumblr.) and I’ve grabbed a wine glass full of cranberry juice because it makes me feel like a Fancy Lady. And those things are making me feel better but, Internet, I need you to listen for a minute because I need to bitch about something that got me irritated today. And granted, I’m irritated a lot of the time because of various reasons like oil subsidies, the fact that we still think it’s ok to put human rights to a public vote, and that Fox cancelled Firefly after 14 episodes, the big jerky jerkfaces. But I don’t want to talk about those things today. Today I want to talk about stupid jingles and their stupid slogans.


So we have a small time grocery chain in Texas called “David’s Supermarket” and I hear their commercials on the radio all the time, ALL THE TIME, despite not having a store within a 50 mile radius of where I live, and yes I just checked. And that’s fine. Radio has a long range. I understand that. But the song gets stuck in my head and the closing line is “DA-vids SU-PER-market! Where the SMILES are FRE-eeee”. And everyone is supposed to think that it’s all cute and charming and home-towny but it is in all actuality AWFUL and UNACCEPTABLE and I AM GOING TO TELL YOU WHY.

YOU GUYS. SMILES ARE ALWAYS MOTHERFUCKING FREE.

And this just IRRITATES me because they put it in their JINGLE and DO THE TERRIBLE JINGLE WRITERS NOT SEE THAT THEY ARE ALWAYS FREE? EVERYWHERE? IT IS A FREE SERVICE THAT PEOPLE IN CUSTOMER SERVICE DO TO ENCOURAGE REPEAT BUSINESS AND IT IS ALSO A NONVERBAL FORM OF COMMUNICATION THAT HUMANS (usually) USE TO CONVEY PLEASURE.
SMILES ARE FREE, JINGLE WRITERS. OTHERWISE THAT MAKES YOU SOME KIND OF BIZARRE SMILE PROSTITUTE.
(Which, come to think of it, that job actually wouldn’t be all that bad, probably. I’d be a Liz Lemon.)(EVERY GIRL WANTS TO BE A LEMON.)

Flit

This has somehow turned into The Year Of Four Vacations And It Is Only May, Who The Hell Am I Anymore? The me from five years ago would not even believe this shit. I mean, I can just…go? And travel? By myself? Adults do that. That is a grownup thing to do. They make plans and rent cars and go and do things in different cities (or countries if they are so inclined and have a valid passport and get…shots? I think there is probably a lot more that you have to do to go somewhere exotic (I live in Texas. EVERYWHERE IS EXOTIC.) but I don’t know what all is entailed in that because I only went to Mexico once and it was only for dinner and we just…walked across the bridge. I still feel a little bit weird about this because I was, like, 14 years old and with twenty other youths and I was terrified that they were not going to let me back into Texas because I didn’t have a driver’s license. I remember silently begging immigration officials to let me back across the bridge so I could finish painting this lady’s house with my church group and then I could go back home because I missed my mommy.)(They totally let me back into the country. It cost a quarter.)


THAT STORY STILL MAKES ME IRRATIONALLY ANXIOUS.

That was a long tangent-filled story (HELLO AND WELCOME TO MY BLOG.) so I’m starting a new paragraph.

Anyway, I went on vacation last week because back in February I met this lovely lady at a pajama party for Internet Ladies and we got along so swimmingly that we started up an actual friendship and she invited me to come and visit her. And HOLY CRAP, DID I HAVE FUN.

First off, Erin has the most adorable baby ever. I mean, seriously. Look at this child.

Her cheeks make uteri implode on the regular.
True story.
Ooooooohhhhh, man. I LOVE toddlers. Portable AND interactive! Easily distracted! Think you have performed hilarious stage magic when you make zerberts on their round little bellies! Treasure random items found around the house and that they then clutch in their fat little dimpled hands! Get really, really excited about balls! HELLO. TODDLERS ARE PERFECTION.

So, yeah. I spent a lot time with this baby and it was swell. (Also, I taught her a word: “down”! I was really, really trying for “rocket” but alas.)

And when we weren’t chasing after this gal we were MAKING ALL MY DREAMS COME TRUE.

Well, not ALL. But certainly A VERY LARGE AMOUNT FOR 2 1/2 DAYS .

Oh. Hey. We’re at the Smithsonian Air and Space Museum.
Just. Hanging out.
LIKE I HAVE WANTED TO DO SINCE I WAS THREE.

I am an unabashed nerd. I am also very-much a Museum Person. Being here was ALL OF MY FAVORITE THINGS (Art! History! Science! Gummi candy!) ROLLED INTO ONE.

Gummi space shuttles.
GUMMI SPACE SHUTTLES.
THIS PRODUCT ACTUALLY EXISTS. AND THEY ARE DIVINE.

The museum trip also graced me with the following picture but before I show it to you, could you do me a favor? It’s not a huge favor or anything, like, SOLVE WORLD PEACE! and shit, but could you do me a solid and just close your eyes for a second and think of something serious and then when you are ready open your eyes and scroll until the next picture? Yes? Ok.

BOOM. YOUR DAY JUST GOT MADE, SON.

You smiled even though I specifically asked you to think of something serious, didn’t you? Thought so.

So, yeah. There was a miniature wind tunnel to show children the effects of wind resistance on flight and we walked past and I practically shouted “ERIN. STOP RIGHT THERE. YOU LOOK FABULOUS WITH A PERSONAL WIND MACHINE. I AM GOING TO TAKE A PICTURE.”

Annnnnnd, then that picture came into the world and the angels wept from laughter.
Also, we fed the baby astronaut ice cream. And her wide eyed wonder pretty much mirrored my THIS PLACE IS SO AWESOME face.

I highly recommend the Smithsonian, especially if your companion is a baby who is obsessed with ABALLS.

ABALL!
We didn’t just go to a museum, by the way. We also saw monuments.
And columny buildings that enjoy columns.
You can’t really tell from this crappy cell phone picture, but everywhere you think you see a window, it is actually window flanked by columns. #ostentatious
And we went to the petting zoo!
I fed a kangaroo! YOUR FRIDAY IS INVALID. ALL OF THEM.

The way that Kristen Bell feels about sloths is how I feel about kangaroos. By the time we reached them I was literally vibrating with excitement.

We saw many other animals there and they were also cute. But not as cute as that kangaroo that I fed and secretly named Louise and was trying to figure out how to stuff in my purse. (IT WAS AN OVERSIZED PURSE. IT COULD HAVE HAPPENED. DON’T CRUSH MY DREAMS.)
This baby has NO FEAR when it comes to animals. NONE.

But maybe occasionally some suspicion.

 The coolest ladies.
There was delicious food with local beer (I maybe got a little drunk and told embarrassing, over-sharing stories. So, typical day? Minus the booze?) and a strawberry rhubarb crisp (what does rhubarb even TASTE like? I still have no idea and I ATE SOMETHING THAT HAD IT IN IT.) and a CHEESE PLATE. So fancy! And it was in a restaurant that had a working farmhouse attached to it! A working adorable-as-hell farmhouse!

Aside: the restaurant looks smaller from the outside than from the inside and I just kept wandering around drunkenly while trying to find the bathroom and mumbling “…It’s bigger on the inside. Did I find a TARDIS?”

But mostly, even though I got to see and do amazing things (I also learned how to knit. Seriously, in those 2 1/2 days I checked more off my life list than I had in YEARS.) I just really enjoyed spending time with Erin, who is thoughtful, funny, gracious, and kind and her beautiful family. It has been a rough few months (more on THAT later, I’m sure. I am chatty.) and it was really affirming to see a marriage that was a real partnership. It legitimately gave me hope. (Erin+Kevin=IRL OTP forever and ever, amen.)

All in all? Best. Vacation. Ever.

 Ignore the weird thing my hair is doing ok?

P.S. Erin put a snake where I sleep. Because she is a Slytherin.